Can Polyamory Save A Marriage?

There are many reasons for a marriage to end just as there are many reasons for any two-person relationship to end. Asking the question, “can polyamory save a marriage?” provokes the simple answer, “Maybe”. First let’s talk about what “save” means in this context. It seems safe to say that “save” means “avoiding divorce.” If avoiding divorce is the end-game then… just don’t get divorced. 

It seems that the bigger questions, the ones we are actually asking, are, “Can polyamory support my marriage? Can polyamory enhance my marriage? Can polyamory bring more love into my marriage? Can polyamory help my marriage feel exciting, sexy, passionate, and connected?” To take this a step further - the real questions, the questions that are most important to ask yourself are, “Can polyamory help me get my needs met? Can polyamory help me feel fulfilled? Can polyamory encourage my self-growth, self-awareness, self-responsibility, and self-love?”

When we look at exploring polyamory for the first time, it is helpful to re-define what a successful relationship is. Is a successful relationship one that stays the same forever? No. That would be incredibly boring and, even if you did desire it, it could never be because we as individuals are always changing and thus our relationships are always changing. Is a successful relationship one that meets all your needs? No. This is impossible as well. Relationships are not there to meet all your needs. The only person responsible to meet all your needs is you. Relationships can help you meet some of your needs but they can never and will never meet them all. Is a successful relationship one where you feel happy all the time? No. Happiness, like every emotion, comes and goes. Relationships, just like individuals, experience ups and downs. 

Despite the typical romance movie portrayal of a successful relationship being forever happy and meeting all the needs of the individuals, this is just not reality, nor do we want it to be. Successful relationships are flexible, expansive, and dynamic. They offer us support, love, safety and freedom. They are beautiful, robust, pieces of art we create with others. Sometimes they end, sometimes they transition, but they are always changing and it is absolutely OK to create a marriage container and stick to it. But if we don’t make space for change, the container will likely break.  

Perhaps the best place to start with the inquiry, “can polyamory save a marriage?” Is to ask, “What does a successful relationship mean to me?” And, “Can polyamory help me have a (or many) successful relationship(s)?”